I walk through conflict every day. Invisible to most, the conflict is inside of me, a legacy of grief. Like a set of scales: happiness and light on one side, darkness and sadness on the other. They fluctuate constantly, dipping side to side and back again, never quite achieving balance. No matter how bright the moment, grief is always lurking, ready to pull me back down. Because no matter what, my little girl will always be missing.
Blue lights flashing, bright against the white snow, the sky dark, stars visible—although there was no time to look for them. I held my baby tight to my chest, bundled in blankets as I hurried down our driveway. His sister’s cries echoed in the otherwise quiet night, a cry of fear and confusion at our sudden disappearance. My heart was pounding, but I was outwardly calm, whispering to my little boy, “You’re ok, you’re ok,” desperate reassurance for us both.
It can be your best friend in whom you find comfort. Living in a beautiful, false reality that is not truly yours. You can act like the things you have been through didn’t really happen to you, and if they did they are so far distant those emotions that should be pulling on your heart strings are numbed.
Having a miscarriage after years of trying to conceive is one of the most harrowing things a mother can experience. Imagine learning a part of your soul has separated from you to combine with a piece of your partner’s soul, and they’re dancing together in your womb, blissful and happy, until some unknown and cruel circumstance disrupts the music and stops their dance. That piece of soul has no option but to return to you, but now she is different. She has changed. Her song no longer matches the rest of the soul, and so she’ll spend the rest of her life trying to find that melody again.
Over Christmas break, we took our daughters to see the movie Wonder. I was warned that this movie may be a bit hard for me, so I needed to be sure to bring Kleenex. I had also heard it was a wonderful movie about kindness, and a must-see for my kindness-preaching heart. Wonder was all the things I was encouraged and warned about. I cried, I laughed, and my heart went to an unexpected place.