Remembering You

Shared by Jess McCormack

Your tiny fingers curled around mine. Isn't that amazing? That even in your stillness, your perfect little fingers seemed to grasp ahold of mine. It was proof of what I had known for nine magical months: that you were made for me, and I was made for you.

And for the briefest of moments, with your hand in mine, I thought they'd got it wrong. I held my breath and I waited. I waited for you to open your eyes, to look into mine. But my silence, my stillness as I waited, was matched by yours. My tiny reflection. For you were made for me, little one, like I was made for you.

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Tears ran down my cheeks, big fat tears born from the deepest of pain. They dripped gently on to you and I imagined them bringing you back to life. But that kind of magic wasn't for us, no matter how much I longed for it to be.

I remember every beautiful inch of you. From your dark hair to your improbably long feet. I remember how you felt, tucked into the crook of my arm, a perfect fit. Because you were made for me, baby girl, and I was made for you.

I remember the light kisses, my lips pressed gently upon your forehead. I remember talking to you, singing to you, trying desperately to squeeze a lifetime of moments into just one day. I remember not wanting to put you down, not even for a second. Fear began to weave its way in to our time together. The fear of saying goodbye, the fear of having to live without you, my precious baby, the one who was made for me, like I was made for you.

We battled, fear and I. It rose like waves, threatening to consume me, but I fought, not wanting anything to cloud my time with you. But despite my silent bargaining, my heart pleading for more, our hours together had to come to an end. The memory of the moment I lay you down forever is not one I can linger in. Pain roars through my core, my soul shredded by the effort of remembering. I failed you, my sweet baby. I never should have let you go. For you were made for me and I was made for you, and we were meant to be together.

I didn't get to bring you home, but we are still together. You carved out a space in my heart that will always be yours. It's where you are now, forever the most precious part of me. And I remember you. With each beat of my heart. For it echoes your name, Maeve, Maeve, Maeve, the child who was made for me, like I was made for you. And, oh, how I love remembering you.

 
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